Untangling Yourself Before the Festive Frenzy: How to Step Back from Enmeshment
Christmas is almost here, and for many, that thought sparks excitement, nostalgia and happiness, for others it may bring a sense of dread. Family gatherings can bring joy, but they can also drag old patterns and sticky dynamics back into the spotlight.
If you find yourself carrying other people’s emotions, smoothing over conflicts, or losing track of your own needs, you might be dealing with enmeshment.
How Enmeshment Creeps In
Enmeshment often starts quietly. Maybe, for whatever reason, you grew up as the peacemaker, the caretaker, or the “invisible” one. Your emotional life may have been subtly intertwined with others’, and you perhaps feel responsible for their happiness or anxious about their reactions.
Sometimes, it’s reinforced by family roles, societal “shoulds,” or past trauma. Over time, these patterns blur the line between your feelings and theirs. This is fairly standard family ‘stuff’ but if we recognise what is going on within ourselves when we’re around family, we can maintain a strong sense of self and our needs and boundaries, and hopefully this will bring about a healthier dynamic change in the family as a whole.
Sometimes enmeshment isn’t just about behaviour or boundaries, it’s also about the unconscious. When we haven’t yet met all the parts of ourselves, especially the shadowy bits we’d rather keep tucked away (anger, longing, shame, jealousy or people-pleasing), those disowned parts can get tangled up with other people’s disowned parts.
The more we acknowledge and welcome all of ourselves, light and shadow, the less likely we are to merge with what isn’t ours. Self-awareness can create space where enmeshment used to be.
Signs You’re Enmeshed
You might notice:
· Emotional exhaustion after interacting with certain people, even when nothing obviously challenging happened.
· Guilt, shame, or anxiety when you try to assert yourself.
· Difficulty saying no or limiting your involvement.
· A vague sense of losing yourself or not liking who you become around certain individuals.
Steps to Start Disentangling
1. Notice Without Judgment
Pay attention to patterns. Which relationships drain you? When do you feel overly responsible for others’ feelings? Noticing might be the first step toward choice and change.
2. Set Small Boundaries
Boundaries don’t have to be dramatic. Limit your availability, choose what you share, or politely decline certain requests. Each small step strengthens your sense of self.
3. Separate Your Emotions
Grounding exercises, journalling, or mindfulness can help you identify what belongs to you, and what doesn’t. Naming it aloud can be surprisingly freeing: “This is mine; that is theirs and I choose not to engage.”
4. Seek Support
Friends, supportive communities, or a therapist (like me!) can hold space for you as you practise stepping back.
5. Welcome All Parts of Yourself - the Light and the Shadow
Enmeshment often thrives where we haven’t fully seen ourselves. By gently acknowledging all of who you are, you create definition inside. The more internally defined you become, the less entangled you’ll feel externally. Knowing yourself is one of the strongest boundaries you can have.
6. Take an Empowerment Pause
As Dr Nicole LePera suggests, taking an ‘empowerment pause’ before responding can help you act from choice rather than habit. When old patterns or emotional triggers arise, give yourself permission to pause before reacting.
Even a few slow breaths, a gentle stretch, or noticing what’s happening in your body can prevent you from automatically merging with someone else’s emotional state.
This pause isn’t avoidance, it’s empowerment. It creates space to choose how to respond rather than reacting from habit or unconscious enmeshment. Over time, these pauses strengthen your ability to stay grounded, even in charged situations.
Preparing for the Holidays
· Plan Interactions Intentionally: Decide who you’ll see, for how long, and under what conditions.
· Give Yourself Permission: Shorten or skip gatherings if you need to.
· Create Your Own Rituals: Quiet reflection, nature walks, or small self-care practices can keep you grounded.
· Release Expectations: Let go of “shoulds” and embrace choices that honour your wellbeing.
Looking Ahead to December
If you found this helpful, look out for my December blog, when I’ll explore more how to maintain your emotional space through the festive season. I’ll look at practical ways to protect your energy, stay grounded, and get through family gatherings without losing yourself.
Noticing enmeshment is the first step, and keeping your peace is where the real work and reward can happen.
If you feel ready to step back from enmeshment but aren’t sure how to start, I offer one-to-one sessions to help you untangle old patterns and show up more authentically in your relationships and reclaim your space and your peace.